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Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse

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emotional abuse

Physical abuse is easily identified. There is no doubt, once you have been hit, that you have been physically abused. You don’t second guess yourself because the bruises and scars are visible evidence that abuse has taken place. Verbal abuse is different. The damage is internal, there are no physical bruises or scars, just a wounded spirit and sense of self-esteem.

In the past few decades we have come a long way in recognizing and understanding the damage that physical and sexual abuse can do, but there are still many who don’t realize that words can be at times, more powerful  than using our fists to talk for us. We all need to think about the impact of our words on others.

Human tongue though a small part of the body, it has the power to make a tremendous impact. The tongue has the power of life and death. The language we use to communicate with one another is like a knife if in the hands of a skillfull surgeon, a knife can do good. But if  in the hands of a careless or ignorant person it can cause a great deal of harm.

A kind word can uplift, nourish, and mend a broken heart. Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Words can restore confidence, hope and purpose to a spouse who felt dejected, lost or confused.  unkind words do injure our spirits and sometimes deeply.  Being yelled at or called “stupid”, “idiot”, etc especially by a spouse, can inflict a wound that will take years to heal.

We often fail to take seriously the power of the tongue to asault and its ability to devastate entire lives. A few inconsiderate words can kill the spirit of a spouse, child, or parent. Reckless words pierce like a sword.

Guilt trips are an effective means of controlling people or punishing people. When spouses are able to make their partners feel guilty for disagreeing with them or challenging them, they gain power over their mates. The guilt trip vocabulary can be as straightforward as “I hope you’re happy now” or “What took you so long?” Or it can be more subtle “It’s always my fault.” For instance, one wife got this response from her husband whenever she pointed out one of his mistakes. He was experienced at making her feel guilty for mentioning anything negative about him.

Faultfinding puts spouses under a barrage of criticism. From how they take care of their things, to how they manage their money, to how they look, to how they drive the car, spouses can pick apart and lecture their mates. Whether it’s occasional or ongoing, faultfinding allows spouses who are dishing it out to feel superior and makes their partners feel inferior.

Name-calling is applying a negative word or phrase to a spouse’s deficiency. Derogatory names like stupid, lazy, idiot, jerk, dumb, or cry baby are used to make a partner feel small and worthless. Spouses may also resort to character assassinations like “You’ve never been much of a wife” or “You’ll never amount to anything.”

Yelling occasionally occurs in many marriages. Shouting or blowing up and screaming statements like “What’s your problem!” or “Just shut up and leave me alone!” intimidates a partner. It allows the spouse who is yelling to feel strong and makes the other feel weak, defeated, or terrified of doing or saying anything that might provoke another attack.

Sarcasm is another method of control, and it is often a thinly veiled attack. Sarcastic responses such as “whatever” or “sure” especially accompanied by rolled eyes, discounts and condemns a partner’s point of view. Sarcasm obviously doesn’t set the mood for honest discussion. Instead, it frustrates partners and sabotages the conversation in a way that leaves the offending spouse in charge and on top.

And of course there is blaming and putdowns which are an attempt to make their spouses feel foolish and small.

Learning to deal with a verbally abusive spouse is a necessary step to improve the chances of the survival of the marriage.

  • Abuse is never justified so, you should never feel that it is your fault.
  • Let the abuser know how hurtful their words are and discuss with them the fact that it is unacceptable to you. Set boundaries on what you will and will not accept from your abuser.
  • Seek counseling, either together or separately.
  • Surround yourself with a support system of family and friends. Discuss with them what is happening and how you are feeling.
  • If the verbal abuse escalates to physical abuse, leave. Your personal safety is far more important than the relationship.
  • Do not engage in conflict with your abuser. If your spouse becomes angry stay calm, walk away and don’t give him/her what they want…a reaction from you.
  • Take back your power. If you react to the abuser, you are rewarding them. Letting them know they have power over your emotions. Don’t allow the abuser to have control over how you feel.
  • Leave the marriage. If setting boundaries, getting therapy and refusing to respond to the abuse doesn’t work, then it is time to consider divorce.

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