1. When he’s acting like sex is over because he came. Wait, is he falling asleep and/or leaving? He knows we’re both supposed to come or at least make the effort to make each other come, right? So him just getting up and leaving is like going to the store to buy candy and giving them half of the amount you owe and then calmly walking away. It’s something only a horrible person does. Wait, is he a horrible person?
2. Wrong hole, bro. Whoa. Uh, yeah, back up. Baaaaack up. Hopefully we’ll never speak of this again.
3. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. He’s hurting my hair/arm/head/back/stomach/knee/inner thigh/vagina but I don’t want him to feel bad, I just want him to move. Okay, going to make a run for it in 5 … 4 … 3…
4. When he’s being too gentle and you don’t know how to tell him. How do I tell him I’m not made of paper? I don’t want him to kick the crap out of me, but treating me like a porcelain doll that breaks if you touch her face with more than a finger-whisper is not working either. You think he’d be able to tell it’s not working from that time I fell asleep while he did that.
5. Aaaaand you queefed. Well, it’s out there. I can’t take it back. And also? It could’ve been the bed. It could’ve been a weird sound the bed made. Absolutely. You know what? He probably just thinks it’s that. Yeah, he totally does.
6. Great, part of your body is asleep. I can’t feel my leg. Do legs wake up on their own once they’re asleep? They’ve got to, right? Otherwise I’ll have to violently shake my leg, which will probably kill the mood. Oh god, somehow it’s getting even number. Oh well. If I lose it, I lose it.
7. When you’re pretty sure they didn’t wash their hands. Oh god, I hope they washed their hands. Their fingers are inside me right now and if they didn’t wash them first, that means every doorknob, public restroom toilet flusher, nose wipe, you name it is crawling inside my vag right now. Can I scoot away from their filthy fingers? Would that work?
8. When they call you something weird in bed. Did he just call me “mommy”? I can’t handle this. There’s just too much here to unpack.
9. Trying to react during confusing sex noises. OK, don’t laugh or look disgusted. I’m mine sound super weird too. I mean, not really because I know for a fact mine are sexy and this person’s sex moans are terrifying, but still.
10. When you ask if they have a condom and they just say “No.” And you’re like, “Uh, OK, then. Wait, do you think I’m still going to have sex with you? Because I’m not. Seriously, get some condoms! Mobilize!”
11. Trying to shift his body into the right spot with your pelvis. This is like trying to get a Rubik’s Cube to line up, except every time you make progress with it, someone walks in and moves it back to start again.
12. When you’re in a position that’s so uncomfortable but they seem to be having a great time. But part of it feels good, kind of. Sort of? Aaaand I’m fainting.